Mother’s Day is always bittersweet for me. My mom and I had a strained relationship, but we loved each other. She passed away in 2013. There wasn’t any real closure on our relationship. I tried for years to understand her and, in her own way, I think she tried to understand me, too.
I drove to the cemetery and went to her graveside on Friday. I don’t know what I expected. I cried. I yelled at God. I fell apart…..well, as much as I would let myself. I cried until I thought I would heave. I didn’t drive away feeling better. I drove away feeling more confused.
I don’t understand the reasoning or thinking behind a lot of her decisions. I heard a radio broadcast and this Christian woman was saying that the mother/father in a new stepfamily should always put their spouse first, above the kids. I understand the rationale behind that, but I don’t think I agree when the person they marry is manipulative, abusive, or a combination. I lived through two of my mother’s bad decisions regarding men. Two marriages to men who were abusive and forcefully controlling. I loved her, (still do), but could not understand why she made the choices she made.
I am having such a difficult time processing my grief. I couldn’t grieve mom’s death three years ago because I was dealing with another serious, heartbreaking situation that couldn’t be put on the back burner. I managed to get through the visitation and funeral somehow. I was in a daze throughout the months of her illness and the next few months after her death..
Fast forward three years……my heart is raw. I am so angry over the choices she made, things that happened, and were said! I don’t want to be. I want to forgive and heal. I have forgiven her over and over and over again. And I don’t know how to move forward now. I’m still raw. I’m still angry. I’m still wounded by her choices and my childhood.
Tomorrow is the dreaded day. There are two days that affect me like no others. Mother’s Day and her birthday. Her birthday is close to mine. It’s coming up pretty quickly.
I don’t want to celebrate tomorrow. My heart isn’t in it. My boys have other things to do. They have girlfriends who have plans with their moms. My daughter usually does something sweet for me. I appreciate it. It means the world to me, but I really want to just sleep in and forget it.
Mother’s Day is a really difficult holiday for some. I haven’t even mentioned the women who would give anything to be a mom, but aren’t able to. I can’t imagine their pain. Mother’s Day is such a difficult day for so many of us!
Think I’ll hunker down tomorrow with a good book and forget about it!